Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Human beings have a few different psychological needs and it is a delicate balance of each of them that contribute to overall well being.

1. Certainty
   Firstly, we need the predictability that enables us to feel supported. Similar to a healthy attachment style between a child and a parent, the secure base gives us the confidence to explore the outside world knowing that we have a safe space to return to. Certainty also gives us a sense of satisfaction. For example, if you were at a concert and heard a familiar track, you and the rest of the crowd might join in to sing the chorus because you can be certain of the words. We enjoy being able to demonstrate the competency that allows us to contribute to something outside of ourselves. However, if the secure base was all there was, pretty soon we would find ourselves in a rut. If everything became too predictable we would get bored or perhaps a little depressed. This brings me to our second psychological need …
2. Uncertainty
   Uncertainty, paradoxically, is another of our needs. When you add a little bit of uncertainty to the mix of life, that’s where we get our drive and stimulation. It’s what makes life exciting. Goal achievers are more often than not, the ones who were willing to take the jump before there were any guarantees. If we didn’t have uncertainty there would be no satisfaction in our achievements.

Towards the end of the year that was 2020, my husband and I were on a road trip listening to the live version of the well-known song by U2 “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” as we drove through the snow.
It was a year that for many people resulted in working from home and increased isolation from loved ones, family members and the outside world. We were no different and at that stage we didn’t know when we would see our families and loved ones again either. That part describes the less fun part of uncertainty. Truth be told, it was tearing me up inside. Yet, as we drove listening to the crowd’s voices singing together I felt soothed.
“I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
As a child I felt confused that Bono sang the words so calmly – I took his words literally. Whenever I had misplaced something I would turn the house upside down until I found it. But in that moment, I didn’t feel like telling Bono to hurry up and find it. I understood that this was about not being dismissive of our goals that couldn’t be achieved right now but rather leaning in for the long haul with a “whatever it takes” attitude. I knew what I was looking for and that there were no guarantees of flights or fast tracking the quarantine back in Australia. I finally understood that he was singing about the precious ache of having a goal. I finally understood that he was singing about the refusal to accept circumstances but rather persisting in the belief that they could be different.
A person without a goal is lost. If you still haven’t found what you are looking for, if you aren’t satisfied with the state of the world, recognise and celebrate that you are truly alive. A sense of dissatisfaction is what drives us, we are not to become content.
Some of our dreams are societal ones like ending hunger, racism and poverty. And then we each have individual dreams as well. Personally, in the last 6 months, after having achieved some goals, I found myself setting new ones. It has been a real thrill. While I can’t be sure of exactly where I will end up, starting a new chapter in life with some new targets has been a refreshing experience for me.

3. Connection
   Finally, one of our largest psychological needs is connection. Hearing U2’s song again could not have come at a better time. In a year that was filled with so much uncertainty, I yearned deeply to see my family again. I yearned to stand in a crowd again and sing with one voice. Both of those possibilities seemed so far away.

I finally admitted to myself that toughening up in response to this sort of discomfort was not the right response. For months I had been trying to come to terms with not being able to see my family but I realised that I didn’t want to feel differently about that goal. Regardless of whether I could see them again or not it was okay not to be okay about it. In the words of Brene Brown “humans are hardwired for connection.” Eric Mosely, an engineer by trade and now the CEO of the Workhuman movement, knows more than anyone that when people gather together, we exchange energy. These days it is less about know-how and more about the art of how it happens in teams, families, businesses and organisations. This is the reason virtual meetups don’t fully satisfy those human needs. What connects us, inspires us and builds cohesion is creating together. Together, we feel better and produce more than we ever could apart.

Why else would we go to concerts when we know how the songs will sound already? People don’t go to concerts expecting to hear something new, they go expecting to experience it together. Early on in 2020 we had the privilege of going to a U2 concert. There was something about being part of the crowd singing and chanting the same song together. It reminded us that although you don’t know the people to your left or right, in the end, we aren’t so different. In those shared moments, we were united. In many ways we are still united, there is nothing like a global tragedy to remind us that when one of us suffers, we all suffer and that everyone including workers at the grocery stores and truck drivers play an essential part in the functioning of society. From all walks of life, we all knew the words; we were all singing the same song, only our voices were different. All over the world the same band can play to crowds that don’t speak the same language and yet the experience is the same. People are united. At that time, the music was the only language necessary.

So, what do you feel connected to? Are you ready to take the jump even though there are no guarantees? What goals are you certain of? If you still haven’t found what you are looking for, that’s a great thing, keep going. If Bono’s lyrics teach us anything it’s that life is forever incomplete – and yet – it is perfection.